Hello you beautiful people.
As I’m writing this It’s the end of the 13th of July but the post is probably going to get published tomorrow since I started wrting just now and the clock is 23.30.
I thought I would share my thoughts that I had the other day, which I wrote down and It applies to today and all other days as well, not just that day when I took notes of my thoughts.
Since I first got sick, I’ve gradually become a more fearful person.
I mean I’m going to be upfront with you all, I’ve always been a very anxious person who never really understood the world. It’s not that long ago that I actually came to accept it, trying to live in it, nowadays feeling like I’ve found the key to how I’m going to deal with it. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then check this post and then come back.
I think that it would be quite logic when you’ve been through hard shit your mind start to wobble and switch things around, trying to find a way to save you from more danger or spare you pain. I feel like that would be good sometimes, but not all the time. Let me give you an example,
Last autumn, when it was super beautiful outside in nature I started having these vivid dreams about elks appearing close to me and/or attacking me. I’ve seen many elks before in my life pretty close up, in fact I even saw a ”herd” of them when there was elk hunting here in Sweden a couple of years ago not long from where I was standing.
Anyway, back to the subject before I forget and go on and on about my vivid dreams…
I LOVE autumn and I LOVE going to the forest even more that season BUT, I couldn’t for the life of me get out and walk in it because I was so afraid. Sometimes this fear still comes back to me for a while and I can’t go to the forest. I really do respect those beautiful animals, they’re very big and powerful creatures. My mind is always analyzing every single detail so my brain started taking my dreams as an actual truth and wouldn’t let me out to the forest. It’s not me analyzing that is bad I think, I’m built that way, It’s when the analyzing takes over and limits you on your daily basis that is bad.
I’ve so gotten submissive to these bad thoughts about everything, that everything dangerous is going to happen to me, that everything IS a bit or very dangerous, that I’m a worthless human being and so on. There has been times when I’ve felt like I want to stay inside since I’ve felt so scared to go outside. Thank you brain, it’s probably just you trying to help me (not the latter written though…) but the line has been crossed so long ago that I don’t recordnize those days by myself when I wasn’t controlled by you !
The thing is we CAN’T sheild ourselves from exactly everything. Then we all would miss out on so many great things.
I dislike big cities, so I will not go to the big cities if I don’t have to. And that’s good, don’t force yourself into hard situations if it’s not important to you or if you don’t have to! Bad is when daily activites get unachievable or dreams get crushed because of your fears.
And now, whilst being the most stable I’ve been in a few years, I’ve started to work on that part. I’m healing and guiding my brain. Reprogramming if you will perhaps. I’m having this concept in my head called ”The white and black bird”, where it’s basically the light vs darkness which is kind of a shallow concept to be honest (if I where to be picky, with dark always being bad and light always good etc.) but whatever cause it works! The white bird is supposed to help me from the black bird who is hurting me.
One of the most amazing feelings ever has gotten to be you feeling like you’re changing yourself for the good and that it’s truly working. To have control over your life and own thoughts!
Now I need to go to sleep. Thank you for reading.
Be kind to yourselves!