Change of plans+ autumn diy

I’ve been dreading for this day to come. The day I would return to this blog after the incident that whilst feeling sad I view as an epic failure. 

I’m not going to take the course, the one I described as yoga/art/spiritual and so on (that I was looking forward to so much). It just didn’t fit in my life right now, yeah right, it actually did! But the stress that came around like remembering to make lunch for the next day or wake up on time to take the bus didn’t fit in at all. I got stressed.

I’m in a place of my recovering, mind you, where I’m completely in need of peace and no stress. Ideally I would never have to become exposed to stress again, but in this world that is next to impossible. I will never be exposed to it in the same way again though, that’s for sure, that is something I’m not going to let happen again. 

With getting that off my chest I wanted to show you what I crafted today. I made this cute headdress to celebrate the fact that autumn is almost, well kind of here! 

Sincerely, 

/Viola Whimsical

 

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The very fearful person I’ve become, elks and brain reprogramming

Hello you beautiful people.

As I’m writing this It’s the end of the 13th of July but the post is probably going to get published tomorrow since I started wrting just now and the clock is 23.30.

I thought I would share my thoughts that I had the other day, which I wrote down and It applies to today and all other days as well, not just that day when I took notes of my thoughts.

Since I first got sick, I’ve gradually become a more fearful person.

I mean I’m going to be upfront with you all,  I’ve always been a very anxious person who never really understood the world. It’s not that long ago that I actually came to accept it, trying to live in it, nowadays feeling like I’ve found the key to how I’m going to deal with it. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then check this post and then come back.

I think that it would be quite logic when you’ve been through hard shit your mind start to wobble and switch things around, trying to find a way to save you from more danger or spare you pain. I feel like that would be good sometimes, but not all the time. Let me give you an example,

Last autumn, when it was super beautiful outside in nature I started having these vivid dreams about elks appearing close to me and/or attacking me. I’ve seen many elks before in my life pretty close up, in fact I even saw a ”herd” of them when there was elk hunting here in Sweden a couple of years ago not long from where I was standing.

Anyway, back to the subject before I forget and go on and on about my vivid dreams…

I LOVE autumn and I LOVE going to the forest even more that season BUT, I couldn’t for the life of me get out and walk in it because I was so afraid. Sometimes this fear still comes back to me for a while and I can’t go to the forest. I really do respect those beautiful animals, they’re very big and powerful creatures. My mind is always analyzing every single detail so my brain started taking my dreams as an actual truth and wouldn’t let me out to the forest. It’s not me analyzing that is bad I think, I’m built that way, It’s when the analyzing takes over and limits you on your daily basis that is bad.

I’ve so gotten submissive to these bad thoughts about everything, that everything dangerous is going to happen to me, that everything IS a bit or very dangerous,  that I’m a  worthless human being and so on. There has been times when I’ve felt like I want to stay inside since I’ve felt so scared to go outside. Thank you brain, it’s probably just you trying to help me (not the latter written though…) but the line has been crossed so long ago that I don’t recordnize those days by myself  when I wasn’t controlled by you !

The thing is we CAN’T sheild ourselves from exactly everything. Then we all would miss out on so many great things.

I dislike big cities, so I will not go to the big cities if I don’t have to. And that’s good, don’t force yourself into hard situations if it’s not important to you or if you don’t have to! Bad is when daily activites get unachievable or dreams get crushed because of your fears.

And now, whilst being the most stable I’ve been in a few years, I’ve started to work on that part. I’m healing and guiding my brain. Reprogramming if you will perhaps. I’m having this concept in my head called ”The white and black bird”, where it’s basically the light vs darkness which is kind of a shallow concept to be honest (if I where to be picky, with dark always being bad and light always good etc.) but whatever cause it works! The white bird is supposed to help me from the black bird who is hurting me.

One of the most amazing feelings ever has gotten to be you feeling like you’re changing yourself for the good and that it’s truly working. To have control over your life and own thoughts!

Now I need to go to sleep. Thank you for reading.

Be kind to yourselves!

 

Kisses,

/Viola Whimsical

 

 

Feeling quite lost sometimes in life

Hi everyone and welcome back to my blog. Going quite personal and psychological with this post, just a heads up.

This post’s topic is kind of weird. I often nowadays feel quite lost with myself. I mean I know my personality traits and such but the rest is kind of a mess and as I said, I feel lost. I think it might be like this because I’m evolving, but I’ve evolved a lot into diffrent aspects and experiences and quite often but never felt anything like this that is happening right now.

Sometimes I pick up these intrests I have and focus on them a lot, but in these days this phenomenon is leaving me feeling guilty and confused. Like I picked up doll collecting again since a few months ago and I yesterday I felt totally out of place and full of guilt, like I shouldn’t like these things now as an adult. Which is strange to me since I’ve always embraced my intrests before and not caring whenever they where seen as appropriate for another age, I have 0 intention of ever abondning my inner child.

I also think a lot about how my intrests fit together and unintentionally in the back of my mind how I could make it all make sense but I just can’t. It’s frustrating. Even though I still feel like I sometimes have these moments of clarity, they’re getting less and less.

I’m so eclectic it makes me confused. I like so many diffrent things. Maybe that’s a gift, being able to appreciate so many things but It just makes me sad and confused sometimes. I think I might be in need of some structure, but on the other hand structure made me sick and made me feel so limited.

When I was in secondary school I labeled myself as goth because I wanted people to understand me better, suppressing all the other things I liked like Japanese fashion (lolita fashion) and upbeat music.

It’s so hard sometimes to stay true to yourself when everyone else wants to put you into a box so you fit in. And I never fit in! And I think that I now, at the end of this post I have gotten some clarity again.

I need both light and dark in my life since my life is so up and down all the time, and I need something to express these things through. Me being bipolar might have always influenced me, since I see beauty in both dark and light. And just a reminder, dark isn’t necessarily evil and light isn’t always good. (but that is another big topic.)

 

Sincerely,

/Viola Whimsical

 

Unbreakable bitch

Hi dear people who read my blog!

Today I feel like an unbreakable bitch. A boss ass lady with a bright future.

I’m fighting for the future. Fighting for a future where I can be who I truly am. Because I’m not fully who I’m supposed to be right now. I’m not unhealthy in my ultimate state.  I’m not defined or controlled by an illness in any shape or form in my ultimate state. I’m limitless. I’m fucking light and healthy in my true form. I’m so happy and grateful for my doctor and medication and myself, now whilst feeling stable, I’m finally getting a real chance of cleaning up the mess that my illness and traumas left behind.

I’m planning to have a few smaller goals on my way, giving myself the opportunity to spoil myself when I pass these goals.

My ultimate goal is loosing 40kg in the end. It might take a while, because I’m not going to push myself too hard, for that is not healty if you want to keep your new healthy habits in your new life after you pass the ultimate goal.

 

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Post workout selfie.

 

 

Mwah! ;*

Stay humble but sharp as a diamond

Yours truly,

/Viola Whimsical

Long time no see (Life update)

Hi! It’s been a while. 

Here an explanation will follow…

I’ve been taking care of myself, slowly changing back to who I used to be. Taking care of my physical health. It’s something that is so easily lost however, so I need to practice my lost self dicipline everyday, cause in my situation I need to loose weight in order to feel good about myself again. 

I want to feel light and healthy again and this damn situation with my mental health isn’t getting any better if I stay at this weight. I need to move on from this post trauma(s) gaining weight shit. If I could explain how my body feel like in one word it would be heavy. I feel heavy. And it doesn’t feel good! 

Exercising outside in the forest, I already do that. I need some killer belly exercise asap. Need to remember that. (Yes I tend to keep forgetting everything all the time, that is also post trauma shit…so this is like a little reminder for myself, not only a blogpost♡) 

On an end note, today I’ve been dreaming about picking up youtube again, but this time for real. I’d love to become a youtuber one day. Spreading awareness about mental illness and practicing my creativity with an audience. It would probably make me even stronger! Maybe one day you’ll all hear about me ;)♡

Tihi, now I need some sleep. 

Sincerely, 

/Viola Whimsical

Update: Dreams coming true! (longing for a new forest home in the autumn)

Hi all!

Welcome back to my blog.

I’m so happy. I feel like I’ve found peace in my mind. First of all, I’m continuing to feel stable in my mind. I take forest walks outside each day, and started my weightloss journey for real. My future is bright like the stars in the sky. I feel so inspired to do good things for myself, which is kind of ”new” to me since I always tend to put other people before myself, while feeling down and feeling like I’m not worth the hassle of taking the time to do good for myself.

With that said, I got even bigger plans for the autumn… A big dream coming true….

*Deep breath*

I’m (probably) finally moving!

TO A FOREST HOME.

It’s truly all I ever wanted, and with my forever love too! And I wrote (probably)moving because you never know what happends… the houses we’re looking at now, might not be availible later. But our goal is to be moving to a forest home some time during autumn.

I’m truly so happy you guys… I want to cry, actually I’m crying right now…

That’s what I love about life, it can all change for the better in just months or weeks. Even if you have a horrible illness or had a hard life, or both, everything might change over one night! Just hold on!

From the

HAPPIEST GIRL EVER,

blessed be )O(

//Viola Whimsical

 

 

 

Better health? Thoughts and why I’m not going to any bigger cities or events that I planned this summer

Hi everyone.

I’m doing better with my health overall. I’ve gotten a lot more stable and my emotions aren’t switching as often now. For those of you who are new here and doesn’t know much about me, I’m bipolar and have made several posts about this and you can find them under my blog category ”Mental health”.  I’m also making progress in my physical well being.

My situation right now is kind of frustrating. Still being home sick without going to school or a job.

I feel like I see how society works a lot clearer now when I’m currently being kind of like an outcast of it and it is not a pretty sight at all. I try not to get to frustrated with things I cannot change so I think I’m just going to leave it like that, It’s not a pretty sight, period.

That Stockholm trip I made really destroyed me. I know I’m never moving to a bigger city. I feel so out of touch with everything while being there, in a bigger city. The Stockholm trip affected me so much that I’m going to cancel all of my traveling plans this summer. I’m not going to go to the festival I booked and other events in larger towns. I feel like I’ve built up this very fragile security in my mental state and I don’t want to risk loosing it because of stress or anything like that.

With that being said, I really feel like I know how my future is going to have to look now, and I’m fine with it. Since I’ve been so sick in my latter teens I really can’t deal with any major stressful situations at all. But it’s not a disappointment to me really, I never had any aspirations to become a doctor or anything else that requiers a long, stressful couple of years of education.

When I studied in school, I had really high grades but that was all because of the fact that I actually enjoyed studying and learning about everything there is. Sure, I’ve had aspirations of becoming an artist and designer but I’ve kind of switched point of view and my goals have matured since then because…

WHO gets to decide if I am an artist/designer or not? Does it have to do with how much money I make of it? My education? Does it have to do with popularity? Why can’t I be an artist for myself and my closest? It’s not like you had to be a vertified artist back in the day, It all had to do with your craft. I’m really not going to follow any silly unwritten rules when It comes to things like this.

All I want, is a life in peace, quiet and happiness that is vibrating in the sequence of love, and I’m definatley NOT going to find that in a bigger, elitilist and stressful city.

 

/Viola Whimsical

 

 

 

 

 

 

Personal mantra

Hi. 

I have been thinking, just as I always do and I remembered a very good advice which I got from a person I really admire. To make your own mantra, sacred things you need to remember about yourself. 

“Mantra” has become as mainstream as “intention.” But the two are actually quite different. The word mantra can be broken down into two parts: “man,” which means mind, and “tra,” which means transport or vehicle. In other words, a mantra is an instrument of the mind—a powerful sound or vibration that you can use to enter a deep state of meditation

Suffocate your self reducing thoughts in daily reminders of all the good facts about yourself and all your great characteristics and skills. Write it down or record yourslef. I am not ready to do the latter, but I will however write it down so I am able to read it. I’m going to keep it private, even though I thought about writing it down here. But it is my own personal daily mantra and I will keep it so.

I belive it all begins with a thought. It is said that It takes 15 seconds for one thought to become reality. When you get a self destructive/reducing thought try to run or read your mantra until it disappears. Thought replacement! As I’m still recovering from my latest depression in my illness I’m only now trying this out. 
/ Viola Whimsical

Laboured day turned into a beautiful one

Hi and welcome back today to my blog.

Today’s been rough on me, but I actually managed to turn it around myself and that surely is a healthy sign. I spoiled myself today.

First I went to my local second hand shop and bought a few things on saaale, as if it weren’t cheap enough haha. (Might show you in another later post today.)

Then I was so disapointed because I gained some weight since last time I got checked on a weight watchers meeting 2 weeks ago. Started hating on myself and got quite self destructive in my thoughts but I MANAGED TO SNAP OUT OF IT. Which is a HUGE thing to me, I can’t remember the last time where I actually managed to take back control after I started self hating. I feel powerful, I am powerful.

And to make a mark for myself that I actually do care about myself and I only deserve the best I went to my favourite store in my hometown and bought me an amethyst pendulum, some marvelous room spray scented fresh linen and two tumbled rocks, moonstone for celebrating my femininity and flourite for absorbing and neutralizing negative energies. Then I took a short walk down the street to my favourite resturant in my hometown and bought sushi that tasted like heaven.

 

Now I only have to keep my head above the deep dragging water for the rest of the day.

Tomorrow I’m going visit my cute grandpa and then I’m going to go to my first orienteering since my middle school days.

Also on Friday I’m going to catch up with my best girl Noah.

There’s always things to look forward to in life, If you look really closely, you’ll most certainly always find something, if not then look forward to the day when things turn around for you and try if you can, to actively work for it! Life is today, right now. It might be too late tomorrow, so get on with things today if you can.

 

Love and blessings,

)O(

/Viola Whimsical

 

Thoughts of today that I want to share

Hi. It’s been a while since I shared my current thoughts on life and everything that is going on in my little world.

It’s been a living hell taking quitting an unwanted medication I’ve been having since 2014, aka the one whom made me lose control over my physical health. It’s better now though, but when you quit a medication you often develope symptoms as when you started taking it. So I’ve been an angry wasp and lost my shit by myself. I’m so glad it’s gone now. I’m not 100% symptom free though, I still get angry when things aren’t going as planned. I’m going to give it as long as it takes to settle down with everything.

Writing from an anxiety free state of mind today. It’s been so long since I had anxiety that I almost think that something is wrong lol.

What else is going on in my world? Oh yeah I started going to these weight watchers meetings and using their app and everything so I guess you can call it an investment in my future and physical health. I’m so over saying that ”today I’m starting my new life!” and shit like that though because it just makes it even worse if you don’t succed, but one shall not give up, try again! I will not call it my new life though, I shall call it a new chapter where I try to do my best if I am able to, to increase my life quality.

Overall thoughts on the outside world, hmm, I’m not outside my own world anymore since I deleted all my social media except my blog and youtube and I never read the mainstream news or watch tv so I can’t talk so much about that. Plus I live in a small forest town far away from bigger cities so I’m not apart of that in my daily life either. But I can however, share my story on why I quit and why I’m not into that anymore.

Well, I’m really sensitive and reading/ watching the news brings me down so, so much that I simply can’t function. So that’s what’s up with the news thing, The social media bit is pretty much the same thing. I also can’t deal with the stress social media brings into my dailiy life. And for me it serves no purpose either as I see through a lot of the double standard elitist shit that Is everywhere, especially on instagram.

A lot of people that I’ve known in real life or met that where not nice has become famous on alternative social media and it fucks with my head with the knowledge of what they’ve done to me and others and then they’re getting worshipped like gods by people who just like their apprerance. You see, the outside world feels so cold and hollow and I’ve actively choosen to participate as little as I can.

Elitists are everywhere, showing off ”fancy” and expensive status symbols and making everyone feel like they’re less successful than them, just because they have that stupid thing with a brand name on it. I’m so sick of that! I know I get influenced a bit too, even if it’s just a little, but that’s how the (makeup/ clothing) companies profit, on everyones insecurities. I think it’s funny too, as far as alternative subculture goes, there are elitists in every corner today who’ve totally interpreted the subcultures wrong. GOTH- born from punk. PUNK- born from a diy, rising against the system state of mind. And a ton of goths and punks today only buy or get sponsored by these companies that doesn’t even care about the subculture in the end. Just like mainstream consumers. I think It’s so sad.

I’ve left labeling myself, only focusing on what I like, instead of putting myself in limited boxes, I think It was a good strategy in school, when I knew I was diffrent but couldn’t explain myself when people asked, to point at goth and be like ”that’s who I am” because that’s how people work. They’ve got to put everyone in boxes so they can understand the world and people easier.

Today I however feel a positive vibe on how I feel with my life. I went out for almost an hour to walk in the forest earlier. It heals my broken soul. Writing help me to heal a lot too. ALSO, making to do lists to make daily life easier when It’s hard helps a fucking ton!

 

I’m in a writing mood so I might make some more posts today.

 

Remember, the best thing about the future is that it’s coming one day at a time and not all at once.

 

Blessed be )O(,

/Viola Whimsical