It’s been about a month…

…since I last wrote here.

I really don’t know what made me not blog during this past month, I guess I’ve been having enough things going on with myself so that might be why I didn’t blog. I don’t know, time flies.

Tomorrow another chapter of my life begins. (Note to self: not a new life, just a new chapter, you’ve only gotten one life) I will be going to a yoga/art/spiritual/music course in a beautiful place in the countryside/forest that will occupy my time up until December. Feels good. I try not to think of it as scary neither imagine terrible things happen. A bit nervous anyhow, I’m currently waiting for a email from the course leader with answers on some questions I have.

I don’t know what else to write right now, might write later today or later this week. Thank you for reading!

 

Hugs,

Viola Whimsical

 

 

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The very fearful person I’ve become, elks and brain reprogramming

Hello you beautiful people.

As I’m writing this It’s the end of the 13th of July but the post is probably going to get published tomorrow since I started wrting just now and the clock is 23.30.

I thought I would share my thoughts that I had the other day, which I wrote down and It applies to today and all other days as well, not just that day when I took notes of my thoughts.

Since I first got sick, I’ve gradually become a more fearful person.

I mean I’m going to be upfront with you all,  I’ve always been a very anxious person who never really understood the world. It’s not that long ago that I actually came to accept it, trying to live in it, nowadays feeling like I’ve found the key to how I’m going to deal with it. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then check this post and then come back.

I think that it would be quite logic when you’ve been through hard shit your mind start to wobble and switch things around, trying to find a way to save you from more danger or spare you pain. I feel like that would be good sometimes, but not all the time. Let me give you an example,

Last autumn, when it was super beautiful outside in nature I started having these vivid dreams about elks appearing close to me and/or attacking me. I’ve seen many elks before in my life pretty close up, in fact I even saw a ”herd” of them when there was elk hunting here in Sweden a couple of years ago not long from where I was standing.

Anyway, back to the subject before I forget and go on and on about my vivid dreams…

I LOVE autumn and I LOVE going to the forest even more that season BUT, I couldn’t for the life of me get out and walk in it because I was so afraid. Sometimes this fear still comes back to me for a while and I can’t go to the forest. I really do respect those beautiful animals, they’re very big and powerful creatures. My mind is always analyzing every single detail so my brain started taking my dreams as an actual truth and wouldn’t let me out to the forest. It’s not me analyzing that is bad I think, I’m built that way, It’s when the analyzing takes over and limits you on your daily basis that is bad.

I’ve so gotten submissive to these bad thoughts about everything, that everything dangerous is going to happen to me, that everything IS a bit or very dangerous,  that I’m a  worthless human being and so on. There has been times when I’ve felt like I want to stay inside since I’ve felt so scared to go outside. Thank you brain, it’s probably just you trying to help me (not the latter written though…) but the line has been crossed so long ago that I don’t recordnize those days by myself  when I wasn’t controlled by you !

The thing is we CAN’T sheild ourselves from exactly everything. Then we all would miss out on so many great things.

I dislike big cities, so I will not go to the big cities if I don’t have to. And that’s good, don’t force yourself into hard situations if it’s not important to you or if you don’t have to! Bad is when daily activites get unachievable or dreams get crushed because of your fears.

And now, whilst being the most stable I’ve been in a few years, I’ve started to work on that part. I’m healing and guiding my brain. Reprogramming if you will perhaps. I’m having this concept in my head called ”The white and black bird”, where it’s basically the light vs darkness which is kind of a shallow concept to be honest (if I where to be picky, with dark always being bad and light always good etc.) but whatever cause it works! The white bird is supposed to help me from the black bird who is hurting me.

One of the most amazing feelings ever has gotten to be you feeling like you’re changing yourself for the good and that it’s truly working. To have control over your life and own thoughts!

Now I need to go to sleep. Thank you for reading.

Be kind to yourselves!

 

Kisses,

/Viola Whimsical

 

 

Thoughts of today that I want to share

Hi. It’s been a while since I shared my current thoughts on life and everything that is going on in my little world.

It’s been a living hell taking quitting an unwanted medication I’ve been having since 2014, aka the one whom made me lose control over my physical health. It’s better now though, but when you quit a medication you often develope symptoms as when you started taking it. So I’ve been an angry wasp and lost my shit by myself. I’m so glad it’s gone now. I’m not 100% symptom free though, I still get angry when things aren’t going as planned. I’m going to give it as long as it takes to settle down with everything.

Writing from an anxiety free state of mind today. It’s been so long since I had anxiety that I almost think that something is wrong lol.

What else is going on in my world? Oh yeah I started going to these weight watchers meetings and using their app and everything so I guess you can call it an investment in my future and physical health. I’m so over saying that ”today I’m starting my new life!” and shit like that though because it just makes it even worse if you don’t succed, but one shall not give up, try again! I will not call it my new life though, I shall call it a new chapter where I try to do my best if I am able to, to increase my life quality.

Overall thoughts on the outside world, hmm, I’m not outside my own world anymore since I deleted all my social media except my blog and youtube and I never read the mainstream news or watch tv so I can’t talk so much about that. Plus I live in a small forest town far away from bigger cities so I’m not apart of that in my daily life either. But I can however, share my story on why I quit and why I’m not into that anymore.

Well, I’m really sensitive and reading/ watching the news brings me down so, so much that I simply can’t function. So that’s what’s up with the news thing, The social media bit is pretty much the same thing. I also can’t deal with the stress social media brings into my dailiy life. And for me it serves no purpose either as I see through a lot of the double standard elitist shit that Is everywhere, especially on instagram.

A lot of people that I’ve known in real life or met that where not nice has become famous on alternative social media and it fucks with my head with the knowledge of what they’ve done to me and others and then they’re getting worshipped like gods by people who just like their apprerance. You see, the outside world feels so cold and hollow and I’ve actively choosen to participate as little as I can.

Elitists are everywhere, showing off ”fancy” and expensive status symbols and making everyone feel like they’re less successful than them, just because they have that stupid thing with a brand name on it. I’m so sick of that! I know I get influenced a bit too, even if it’s just a little, but that’s how the (makeup/ clothing) companies profit, on everyones insecurities. I think it’s funny too, as far as alternative subculture goes, there are elitists in every corner today who’ve totally interpreted the subcultures wrong. GOTH- born from punk. PUNK- born from a diy, rising against the system state of mind. And a ton of goths and punks today only buy or get sponsored by these companies that doesn’t even care about the subculture in the end. Just like mainstream consumers. I think It’s so sad.

I’ve left labeling myself, only focusing on what I like, instead of putting myself in limited boxes, I think It was a good strategy in school, when I knew I was diffrent but couldn’t explain myself when people asked, to point at goth and be like ”that’s who I am” because that’s how people work. They’ve got to put everyone in boxes so they can understand the world and people easier.

Today I however feel a positive vibe on how I feel with my life. I went out for almost an hour to walk in the forest earlier. It heals my broken soul. Writing help me to heal a lot too. ALSO, making to do lists to make daily life easier when It’s hard helps a fucking ton!

 

I’m in a writing mood so I might make some more posts today.

 

Remember, the best thing about the future is that it’s coming one day at a time and not all at once.

 

Blessed be )O(,

/Viola Whimsical

I wish

I wish I had the motivation to get my art projects done and make my visions reality. Sadly I’m not there yet.

 I might be climbing up from the dark pit that is depression but I have so much work to do on myself in order to get on with life. I have to clean up after my depression that hopefully have left for a while… it’s not a “pretty” sight. I need to woooooorkkkkkk on myself. Starting right now. 

But I’ll never forget to love myself FIRST ever again!♡



/ Viola Whimsical

Who is Viola Whimsical? – DIY

DIY or ”do it yourself” is actually a great part of my life. From a quite young age I started to sew and decorate things for the dolls I had. But when I became I bit older I started to sew and create things that I wanted for myself. A part of the reason of why I started DIY:ing would be because of the lack of pretty much anything in the town, Another reason would be my creative mindset and imagination. Since there haven’t really been anything cool around when I was little I pretty much learned to create anything I wanted to see out of nothing.

Up the road, about 500m from my home is a second hand store. The only store of very few that I really love in my tiny little town. I visit there regulary, once a week to lay my hands on some diy friendly goodies. The range of good things is very limited, so one has to be quick or else the best items might be gone the next day. Fortunalty, some of the things I want or look for specifically seems to be things nobody else in this little town would look for so I don’t have to worry about the items being bought.

 

You will hear alot more about my DIY and art in my blog 😉

That’s all for now!

viola whimsical edit