The very fearful person I’ve become, elks and brain reprogramming

Hello you beautiful people.

As I’m writing this It’s the end of the 13th of July but the post is probably going to get published tomorrow since I started wrting just now and the clock is 23.30.

I thought I would share my thoughts that I had the other day, which I wrote down and It applies to today and all other days as well, not just that day when I took notes of my thoughts.

Since I first got sick, I’ve gradually become a more fearful person.

I mean I’m going to be upfront with you all,  I’ve always been a very anxious person who never really understood the world. It’s not that long ago that I actually came to accept it, trying to live in it, nowadays feeling like I’ve found the key to how I’m going to deal with it. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then check this post and then come back.

I think that it would be quite logic when you’ve been through hard shit your mind start to wobble and switch things around, trying to find a way to save you from more danger or spare you pain. I feel like that would be good sometimes, but not all the time. Let me give you an example,

Last autumn, when it was super beautiful outside in nature I started having these vivid dreams about elks appearing close to me and/or attacking me. I’ve seen many elks before in my life pretty close up, in fact I even saw a ”herd” of them when there was elk hunting here in Sweden a couple of years ago not long from where I was standing.

Anyway, back to the subject before I forget and go on and on about my vivid dreams…

I LOVE autumn and I LOVE going to the forest even more that season BUT, I couldn’t for the life of me get out and walk in it because I was so afraid. Sometimes this fear still comes back to me for a while and I can’t go to the forest. I really do respect those beautiful animals, they’re very big and powerful creatures. My mind is always analyzing every single detail so my brain started taking my dreams as an actual truth and wouldn’t let me out to the forest. It’s not me analyzing that is bad I think, I’m built that way, It’s when the analyzing takes over and limits you on your daily basis that is bad.

I’ve so gotten submissive to these bad thoughts about everything, that everything dangerous is going to happen to me, that everything IS a bit or very dangerous,  that I’m a  worthless human being and so on. There has been times when I’ve felt like I want to stay inside since I’ve felt so scared to go outside. Thank you brain, it’s probably just you trying to help me (not the latter written though…) but the line has been crossed so long ago that I don’t recordnize those days by myself  when I wasn’t controlled by you !

The thing is we CAN’T sheild ourselves from exactly everything. Then we all would miss out on so many great things.

I dislike big cities, so I will not go to the big cities if I don’t have to. And that’s good, don’t force yourself into hard situations if it’s not important to you or if you don’t have to! Bad is when daily activites get unachievable or dreams get crushed because of your fears.

And now, whilst being the most stable I’ve been in a few years, I’ve started to work on that part. I’m healing and guiding my brain. Reprogramming if you will perhaps. I’m having this concept in my head called ”The white and black bird”, where it’s basically the light vs darkness which is kind of a shallow concept to be honest (if I where to be picky, with dark always being bad and light always good etc.) but whatever cause it works! The white bird is supposed to help me from the black bird who is hurting me.

One of the most amazing feelings ever has gotten to be you feeling like you’re changing yourself for the good and that it’s truly working. To have control over your life and own thoughts!

Now I need to go to sleep. Thank you for reading.

Be kind to yourselves!

 

Kisses,

/Viola Whimsical

 

 

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Thoughts of today that I want to share

Hi. It’s been a while since I shared my current thoughts on life and everything that is going on in my little world.

It’s been a living hell taking quitting an unwanted medication I’ve been having since 2014, aka the one whom made me lose control over my physical health. It’s better now though, but when you quit a medication you often develope symptoms as when you started taking it. So I’ve been an angry wasp and lost my shit by myself. I’m so glad it’s gone now. I’m not 100% symptom free though, I still get angry when things aren’t going as planned. I’m going to give it as long as it takes to settle down with everything.

Writing from an anxiety free state of mind today. It’s been so long since I had anxiety that I almost think that something is wrong lol.

What else is going on in my world? Oh yeah I started going to these weight watchers meetings and using their app and everything so I guess you can call it an investment in my future and physical health. I’m so over saying that ”today I’m starting my new life!” and shit like that though because it just makes it even worse if you don’t succed, but one shall not give up, try again! I will not call it my new life though, I shall call it a new chapter where I try to do my best if I am able to, to increase my life quality.

Overall thoughts on the outside world, hmm, I’m not outside my own world anymore since I deleted all my social media except my blog and youtube and I never read the mainstream news or watch tv so I can’t talk so much about that. Plus I live in a small forest town far away from bigger cities so I’m not apart of that in my daily life either. But I can however, share my story on why I quit and why I’m not into that anymore.

Well, I’m really sensitive and reading/ watching the news brings me down so, so much that I simply can’t function. So that’s what’s up with the news thing, The social media bit is pretty much the same thing. I also can’t deal with the stress social media brings into my dailiy life. And for me it serves no purpose either as I see through a lot of the double standard elitist shit that Is everywhere, especially on instagram.

A lot of people that I’ve known in real life or met that where not nice has become famous on alternative social media and it fucks with my head with the knowledge of what they’ve done to me and others and then they’re getting worshipped like gods by people who just like their apprerance. You see, the outside world feels so cold and hollow and I’ve actively choosen to participate as little as I can.

Elitists are everywhere, showing off ”fancy” and expensive status symbols and making everyone feel like they’re less successful than them, just because they have that stupid thing with a brand name on it. I’m so sick of that! I know I get influenced a bit too, even if it’s just a little, but that’s how the (makeup/ clothing) companies profit, on everyones insecurities. I think it’s funny too, as far as alternative subculture goes, there are elitists in every corner today who’ve totally interpreted the subcultures wrong. GOTH- born from punk. PUNK- born from a diy, rising against the system state of mind. And a ton of goths and punks today only buy or get sponsored by these companies that doesn’t even care about the subculture in the end. Just like mainstream consumers. I think It’s so sad.

I’ve left labeling myself, only focusing on what I like, instead of putting myself in limited boxes, I think It was a good strategy in school, when I knew I was diffrent but couldn’t explain myself when people asked, to point at goth and be like ”that’s who I am” because that’s how people work. They’ve got to put everyone in boxes so they can understand the world and people easier.

Today I however feel a positive vibe on how I feel with my life. I went out for almost an hour to walk in the forest earlier. It heals my broken soul. Writing help me to heal a lot too. ALSO, making to do lists to make daily life easier when It’s hard helps a fucking ton!

 

I’m in a writing mood so I might make some more posts today.

 

Remember, the best thing about the future is that it’s coming one day at a time and not all at once.

 

Blessed be )O(,

/Viola Whimsical

Thoughts on the ”IDGAF”-attitude

Hi!

Today I thought I would write a little bit on the ”I don’t give a fuck”-attitude that I strive towards to have in  life.

 

japanese, quote, and japan-bild

The thing I mean when I write ”IDGAF”- attitude is the act of taking care of yourself when society and people in general try to change you or bring you down. It is not equal to not caring about everyone else and be a complete douchebag. I also mean that a ”IDGAF”-attitude includes the ability to trust your gut feeling and not value what other people say too much and absolutely not more than your own opinions on yourself and your life.

 

Take care of eachother!

/ Viola Whimsical

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Hej!

Idag tänkte jag att jag skulle skriva lite på ”I don’t give a fuck”-attityden jag strävar efter att ha i livet.

japanese, quote, and japan-bild

Det jag menar när jag skriver ”IDGAF”-attityd är akten att ta hand om sig själv när samhället och andra personer överhuvudtaget, försöker ändra dig eller såra dig. Notera att den här attityden är inte lika med att aldrig bry sig om andra och vara en skitstövel. Jag  menar även att en ”IDGAF”-attityd inkluderar förmågan att lita på sin magkänsla och inte värdera vad andra människor säger för mycket samt att absolut inte värdera de åsikterna mer än sina egna åsikter på sig själv och sitt liv.

 

Ta hand om varandra!

/Viola Whimsical

Poetry- Some Swedish poems I did the other day

Hi everyone and welcome back! I thought I would post some Swedish poems I did the other day in school and in the evening. We had one of my favourite poets come to school, Ismael Ataria and we wrote a lot so in the evening I wrote even more. Since I started school again I’ve felt my love for writing grow even more. I wrote these poems in my mother tounge and I will keep them in Swedish since It’s very hard to translate poems. You as a english speaking person could translate them in google translate but be cautious with understanding what it says, since there are notions that doesn’t translate well.

Anyways, here I go:

 

Dikt no:1.1: 

Jag önskar livet var som förr igen

när saker och ting innebar att jag fick din vill villkorslösa kärlek i en liten ask

med en egen nyckel så jag kunde låsa upp den när jag ville och låta mig omfamnas av dina sockervadds-fluffiga moln av genuin kärlek

jag kan se dig framför mig

säga vackra saker

helt magisk

jag vattnar på rabatterna och minnena gror

men det går inte

 

Dikt no:1.2:

Jag önskar att få smaka på livets goda äpple

då blommorna står i blom

och man får vara nykär

men jag hoppas att mörkrets svarta slöja inte sveper sig runt mig igen

 

Dikt no:1.3: 

Jag upptäcker de svarta molnen torna upp sig i horisonten

letar efter handbromsen

men mitt livs fordon har ingen

jag förstår att det är här det börjar om igen

och tar på mig regnkappan

och går ut i stormen

 

Dikt no:1.4:

Jag inser mitt eget värde som varelse på jorden

då även jag har rätt att få samexistera här

med alla djuren

och växterna

jag klamrar mig fast vid den tanken

och försöker inte känna skuld

när himlen gråter surt regn

och att vi tömmer ut

vår moder jord

på hennes blod

olja är pengar

och jorden vårt hem

svårt att välja för många

och jag står bredvid och har svårt att förstå

 

Dikt no:1.5:

Jag undrar varför det händer just mig

varför han tar sig friheten

och tillfället i akt

att vandra på min blomsteräng utan tillåtelse

han river upp mina blommor

jag ser prickar och färger

dansa framför ögonen

med hjärtat bultandes i bröstet

och gråten i halsen

 

Dikt no:1.6:

Och sedan känner jag endast kärlek

vad som varit har varit

och jag ska enas

med skyarna ovan

och med vinden

tills jag omvandlas till

omvandlas till

stjärnstoft

 

/Viola Whimsical